Support for the "What Ifs" in Life

I have a saying that I adopted several years ago: "God doesn't support us in our imagined trials, but He supports us in our real ones."
It was often expressed to me, both during the 15 months my son lived and the years after he died, that others couldn't imagine going through my trials. They had no idea how they would survive day to day.
It's true, our schedule was absolutely crazy! This is a picture I took of my schedule during one of the spells that Thomas was home, and they were few and far between.

This was a 24 hour schedule. For this trip home the last meds of the day were at 10pm and the first at 8am, we had other times that the meds were around the clock. His food pump ran 24 hours a day and had to be washed and refilled every 4 hours. He woke often at night due to severe acid reflux, heart failure symptoms, and other problems. I still had a kindergartner and a preschooler who needed to be dropped off and picked up as well as a toddler and baby who had 'normal' needs as well.

His longest spell home was 14 days and his shortest was less than 48 hours. My hours at home with my 4 precious babies was heavenly and a blur. I was carried and lifted on the shoulders of so many, and served beyond imagination, but it was God's strength which supported me. God's mercy that allowed me to function when it should have been impossible. He supported me in my real trials.

Were my trials harder than the ones that others are going through now? No! They are incomparable. I would never compare the trials I face now with homeschooling 3 kids, raising and guarding an incredibly capable and busy toddler, and the daily emotions of anxiety I battle with the trials I faced with Thomas. Both then and now, I fall to my knees and plead with the Lord for help, guidance, and grace. He provides support for the trials we are going through if we turn to Him and trust Him.

As with other individuals, there are many things in my life that 'I can't imagine' going through, and the truth is, it's true! We can't imagine going through the trials of others, but if we actually were going through the trials, God would carry us. Instead, as His servants we are asked to carry others. To share their burdens, lift, support, love, and help where we can.

Our 'things that we can't imagine going through' are nothing more than "What-ifs." They aren't happening, and only serve to feed the wounds of worry and anxiety. Be strong and of good courage. Tomorrow is a glorious day, trust in the good to come and fear not for the wounds that will come too.

One of my favorite songs "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief" by James Montgomery tells the story of a person striving to serve others despite their own feelings of unworthiness and shortcomings.
One verse reads thus:

Stript, wounded, beaten nigh to death, 
I found him by the highway side. 
I roused his pulse, brought back his breath, 
Revived his spirit, and supplied 
Wine, oil, refreshment—he was healed. 
I had myself a wound concealed, 
But from that hour forgot the smart, 
And peace bound up my broken heart.

As we serve, despite our wounds, the Lord is able to take the smart away. As we reach up to the Lord and out to others, our hearts are made full and these wounds of "What-ifs" will become less bothersome. We will find peace in the trials we face and hope for the future.

Quarantine & Covid Wounds

I don't want to get into a debate on whether the right or wrong decisions are being made at this time in our world. There is a lot of debate that happens all around us and, while necessary in making decisions, it is like pouring vinegar into those open wounds that are all around too. It hurts, and the wounds won't be able to heal unless time is allotted to the healing.

I do want to take a moment and reach out in hopes of putting on a little ointment. This is not an all-encompassing list of the possible wounds, but a hope that you will find a small part to apply at this time. A wound hurts in the moment and has to heal to become the scars that show our resilience, growth, and survival! I hope to find the right words to convey what I am trying to say.

Wounds of Loneliness and Invisibility

There's a powerful quote in a book I've been reading lately: The Invisible Woman by Nicole Johnson. It states that: "You may feel invisible in the world, but you are not invisible to God." This has been on my mind a lot with everything going on. As we are distanced physically and even emotionally from others, it's easy for a person to feel alone and overlooked. It's easy to feel as if you're doing all the reaching out and in desperate need for others to reach in. While daily tasks become repetitious and keeping house with a house full of individuals is challenging, to say the least, it's important to remember that no matter how small the task, God is aware of you. Spend a moment being still and remembering that He knows and sees you! That your invisible acts are seen and known by the Creator of the entire Universe.

Wounds of Worry, Fear, and Anxiety

These are deep wounds, and ones that often feel 'open' and never truly scarred over in this life. I believe otherwise. Yes, new worries can open new wounds. Current anxiety can feel much like former anxieties. Fears we're facing now can seem very much like fears faced in the past. However, each new trial is built upon and affected by the trials that we have gone through before. The other day in a conversation with a family member, we were talking about the trials we're facing and realizing that our points of views are quite different even though our personalities are similar in so many ways. The Spirit came strong for a moment and I had the phrase come into my mind: "We are the sum of our experiences!" 

I think this is vital to realize as everyone's new wounds are built upon old scars, everyone's past experiences affect their perspective of all that is happening, and our experiences and knowledge guide us in the decisions that we make. 

A scripture that I have clung through in my life is found in Isaiah 46:10: "Declaring the end from the beginning, and from ancient times the things that are not yet done, saying, My counsel shall stand, and I will do all my pleasure." I tend to think of Isaiah in simpler terms and, for me, a large part of this verse comes down to: "God knows the end from the beginning." He is over all and my fears, worries, and anxiety are swallowed up in Him. 

My past experiences have guided my reactions and prompted specific thoughts at this time. God knew I would lose my son, but He knew I would be stronger for the loss. He knew I would bear the scars, but that my scars would help heal the wounds of others. Your wounds now will help form who you will become later and the scars from your current trials will guide you down the path that God has laid out for you. Your scars will give you the ability to heal the wounds of others as well. 

One day all our scars will be healed, one day we will stand whole next to those we love who will be whole as well. Until that day, don't you give you. Press onward, and don't be afraid of the wounds that will come. Don't be ashamed of the scars that tell that your story. They make you who you are and give you the ability to help others.

These wounds that we carry are part of us. They are often invisible to others, but we are not invisible, nor are our wounds invisible to God. He sees them all, he knows them all. He sees the scars that remain, and knows the scars that are forming. He sees how they strengthen us and refine us into the person we want to be. The one that endures to the end, the one that loves unconditionally, the one that sees another's wounds and knows how to succor it because we have felt it.

Don't be afraid of the wounds now--they're the scars of tomorrow!

Scars

This post was written a few years ago and never published. This blog has been hard to start and I am often floundering over whether I should, but lately I have had the feeling that it's time. The challenges of our days are bringing trials to the forefronts of conversations. Wounds are fresh and scars will remain from the trials we are currently passing through as individuals, communities, nationally, and globally.

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I've been thinking about Scars a lot lately. You see, I chose the name for this blog based around scars. What is a scar? In the online dictionary it defines scars as: "a mark left on the skin or within body tissue where a wound, burn, or sore has not healed completely and fibrous connective tissue has developed." Another wording it also gives is: "a mark left on something following damage of some kind."

When I first think of scars, I think of my son, Thomas. His short life was marked with scars. He had 4 open heart surgeries, 2 other comparatively 'minor' surgeries, multiple accesses to IV's, arteries, drainage tubes to the chest cavities, and other incisions. His scars were emotionally hard to see, hard to live through as his mother, and I often wished they could be my own and not his. His scars were visible and bold--his "zipper" scar right up his chest was there from 10 days old onward.

Thomas just under 1 year old.

His scarring was never alone though--the scars I saw on him and the pain I lived through as a mother separated from my children at home, watching my youngest suffer, and ultimately losing him left scars on me too--scars on my heart and scars in my mind. Scars on his brothers-death and loss became a part of their life before the oldest was even 7 years old.

I am learning that scars are not all 'bad'. The decisions that my husband and I made with our young son were made in faith and hope that he would one day come home and grow up with his brothers. This is a blog about "scars:" the trials and challenges that we go through in life will often cause wounds that leave scars behind. They never fully go away, and frankly, after all I have learned I don't want them to. They have become a symbol to me: strength, courage, faith, resilience, determination, enduring to the end... These are the results of the scars I bear, and I would gladly keep them!