It was often expressed to me, both during the 15 months my son lived and the years after he died, that others couldn't imagine going through my trials. They had no idea how they would survive day to day.
It's true, our schedule was absolutely crazy! This is a picture I took of my schedule during one of the spells that Thomas was home, and they were few and far between.
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| This was a 24 hour schedule. For this trip home the last meds of the day were at 10pm and the first at 8am, we had other times that the meds were around the clock. His food pump ran 24 hours a day and had to be washed and refilled every 4 hours. He woke often at night due to severe acid reflux, heart failure symptoms, and other problems. I still had a kindergartner and a preschooler who needed to be dropped off and picked up as well as a toddler and baby who had 'normal' needs as well. |
His longest spell home was 14 days and his shortest was less than 48 hours. My hours at home with my 4 precious babies was heavenly and a blur. I was carried and lifted on the shoulders of so many, and served beyond imagination, but it was God's strength which supported me. God's mercy that allowed me to function when it should have been impossible. He supported me in my real trials.
Were my trials harder than the ones that others are going through now? No! They are incomparable. I would never compare the trials I face now with homeschooling 3 kids, raising and guarding an incredibly capable and busy toddler, and the daily emotions of anxiety I battle with the trials I faced with Thomas. Both then and now, I fall to my knees and plead with the Lord for help, guidance, and grace. He provides support for the trials we are going through if we turn to Him and trust Him.
As with other individuals, there are many things in my life that 'I can't imagine' going through, and the truth is, it's true! We can't imagine going through the trials of others, but if we actually were going through the trials, God would carry us. Instead, as His servants we are asked to carry others. To share their burdens, lift, support, love, and help where we can.
Our 'things that we can't imagine going through' are nothing more than "What-ifs." They aren't happening, and only serve to feed the wounds of worry and anxiety. Be strong and of good courage. Tomorrow is a glorious day, trust in the good to come and fear not for the wounds that will come too.
One of my favorite songs "A Poor Wayfaring Man of Grief" by James Montgomery tells the story of a person striving to serve others despite their own feelings of unworthiness and shortcomings.
One verse reads thus:
Stript, wounded, beaten nigh to death,
I found him by the highway side.
I roused his pulse, brought back his breath,
Revived his spirit, and supplied
Wine, oil, refreshment—he was healed.
I had myself a wound concealed,
But from that hour forgot the smart,
And peace bound up my broken heart.
As we serve, despite our wounds, the Lord is able to take the smart away. As we reach up to the Lord and out to others, our hearts are made full and these wounds of "What-ifs" will become less bothersome. We will find peace in the trials we face and hope for the future.
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